1 July 2016: Reflection one month after Marmæle

These last months have been incredibly intense. I had no surplus for anything else than to practice and go into the musical material. I feel that the reflections and research work I am supposed to do has been neglected for some time. But playing wise I worked hard and got some steps further, and I am happy with the end result of the concert. And I am amazed at how big a difference it could make, the work I did, with Stanislaw, just from Tuesday to Thursday that week. Actually, this is the main part of my research, so in that respect I have not neglected anything.

Playing so that I could be heard through a very thick orchestra writing was a challenge. When the orchestra started listening more, and I worked even harder, it worked in the end.

It feels like I have been wearing an armour build up through all my classical education. I was so afraid of doing something wrong, afraid of showing who I am, in case someone would use it against me. I am afraid of others seeing the raw me. When I started developing through this work it felt as if I opened the armour while playing and what came out was honest and vulnerable. It feels like I am showing my inside, all of me, who I am. But like this I can use it in the music, creating a more direct emotional link with the listener? Why is this so strong for me that I start crying when talking about it? Is it the fear of failure? That it is worse if I show the real me, and then people do not like it. The audience tell me they have been touched by my playing, and that is the goal! And it is also more exciting for me. It feels like I have a better contact with the instrument, the music and myself – I get a feeling of flow when playing.

I remember my first internal exam at Barratt Due Institute of Music. I was so filled with emotion. I played it all out, felt like I did everything. But nothing really came out the way I wanted it and my body did not do how I told it to do – it was too nervous. But I still felt like my emotions were showing through everything. But from the comments afterwards I realized that the jury had not understood this, and thought I wasn’t very emotional.

It is about not being limited by the technique or the use of your body, and to trust my intuition to play with expression. I have also learnt a lot from working with the composers, gradually getting more and more involved in the creative process. In Ulvedrømmer it has been a co-creational project all the way. All the works have different challenges, and I have also worked with them in different ways even though Stanislaw’s teachings have been a base for all the musical work I have done.